Desperate Move

Non-exclusive dating.

This is actually what I proposed to her para hindi niya ako iwan sa ere at basta ituring na kaibigan lang.

Ang usapan: she can date others, I can do the same thing. Then we can talk about it and share our experiences afterwards.

And surprisingly, she agreed and approved.

Desperation to the highest level, right? Sa sobra ko siyang gusto, naisip ko pa 'yung ganung idea, thinking that it would make her stay with me & bring back what we had before. Pero mali, na-realize ko na it's against my values at hindi ko pala kaya. I'm no Archie Andrews. Hindi ko kakayaning makitang makipag-date si Veronica Lodge kay Reggie Mantle at sa kung sino-sinong lalake. Selfish na kung selfish, pero mababaliw ako sa kaka-imagine kung anong ginagawa nila at kung gaano siya kasaya sa piling ng iba. Isa pa, masakit lang ding isipin na we started out dating exclusively for three weeks, tapos biglang magle-level down. Papahirapan ko lang ang sarili ko.

So when she told me one night that she'd be dating this Singaporean guy, hindi na ulit ako nagparamdam sa kanya. That was our last conversation, and I didn't even bother to say goodbye.

That was also the last time I've heard from her.

Three Weeks

I met someone.

Matangkad. Maputi. Matalino. Maganda. Malaysian Chinese. (5M?) But she's young at 22 and still a student.

She's also the reason for my 'heartache' recently.

Nakilala ko siya sa Internet. (Don't ask for details kung paano dahil hindi ko ikukuwento. LOL) Nung una ko siyang makita, na-mesmerized akong sobra. Nakakatunaw ang mga ngiti niya. Pero nasabi ko sa sarili ko na she's out of my league. Masyado siyang perfect para sa 'kin in terms of appearance. Magmumukha akong alalay kapag katabi siya. Hindi naman sa sinasabi kong panget ako, pero wala lang, insecure lang ako and she's just too pretty for me.

At isa pa, hindi siya Pinoy. Ayoko sana sa hindi Pinoy. Baka kasi hindi kami magkaintindihan. Baka hindi kami magkasundo.

But despite my insecurities and doubts, I took my chances. I still pursued her. We dated, and she showed so much interest. Hindi ako makapaniwala na magkakagusto ang isang tulad niya sa isang tulad ko. Lagi kaming nagkikita after work. Kumakain kami sa labas. Nanonood ng sine. Nag-uusap at nagcha-chat every night. Nagbibigayan ng regalo sa isa't-isa.

We also shared some intimate moments together.

I was very happy. Cloud 9, 'ika nga. Para akong lumulutang. Akala ko SIYA na.

Pero nagkamali ako. After three weeks of dating, natapos ang lahat. Bigla ata siyang nagising. Suddenly, she has lost interest in me.

She became cold towards me. Alam kong may problema, but she was giving me all these excuses. Kesyo exams daw niya, at maraming activities sa school. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Hinayaan ko siya, and I gave her the time and space that she needed.

Pero hindi ko natiis. After a few days, I asked her if we could talk. And then she told me the truth.

Sabi niya, kahit daw attracted siya sa 'kin, na-realize daw niya na wala kaming chemistry. She would want to date other people, and be open to other options. And then she offered her friendship.

FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!

May katangahan pa akong ginawa after that. It was a desperate move. Pero saka ko na lang ikukuwento.

Right now I'm tired. Two heartbreaks in a span of three months! And this has always been the case. Lagi na lang akong naiiwanan. What is wrong with me?! Parang lagi na lang sa akin 'yung problema.

But now I'm trying my best not to think about it too much. Nakaka-drain. I'm trying to focus on my work and other things. Ayokong masyadong ma-attach sa kanya. Ayokong ma-depress sa mga nangyari.

I'm trying to move on. Again.

Kaya pahinga muna ako. Ayoko munang makipag-date kahit kanino.