Sunday, September 25, 2011

STRUGGLING


WARNING: This is another "What's wrong with me?" post. I am also writing this in full English as I found out this morning that one of the pastors in our church reads my blog. He's Samoan, but Filipino by heart. (Hi Pastor Neli!)

So... WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

I was in good spirits on the way to church this morning. I woke up late though, so I took the cab... again. I was telling myself, "I cannot afford to be late for church... again!"

Unfortunately, I still arrived 10 minutes late despite opting for the faster transportation. Darn! I missed some part of the worship service! It's OK, I was telling myself. I was still feeling joyful to be in church and excited on what God's about to reveal to me.

Then our pastor started to talk about RACES. Not the I-am-Filipino-You-are-Chinese kind of race, but the one that usually involves running and competition. He then instructed us to close our eyes, and asked us, "What are you racing for?"

Several thoughts started to fill my head. I began to ask myself, "Yeah, what am I REALLY racing for?"

My first answer in mind was God. Then I started to doubt, and question myself, "Oh really now?! If I'm racing for God, how come I still do not fully obey & follow all His commandments?"

All my ‘sins’ these past days started to flash back at me. My pride & arrogance. My impure thoughts. My negative habits. My selfish actions. Oh shoot! The moment those dominated my mind, I started to tear up & sob like a baby! And I couldn't control myself!

I felt so defeated! :(


***************


I admit, I've been struggling lately.

Problems at work. Bad habits that are hard to break. Difficulties in focusing as I get easily distracted, among others.

Am I being attacked by external forces? The idea actually came to me, with my recent baptism, newfound faith, and all...

Or is it just me? Isn’t it that our biggest enemy is ourselves?

Last week inside my room while preparing myself for work, out of nowhere I saw this dusty manual on...

FASTING.


I asked God, "Are you trying to tell me something?"

So next month, I will embark myself on a spiritual journey and start a 40-day fasting.

Please include me in your prayers.


15 comments:

  1. Good luck, man. Because that's hard. I know I couldn't do it. I eat something every two-three hours.

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  2. Kung ano man ang pinapanalangin mo lagi iyon ang makukuha mo.

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  3. maybe your on a trial right now. things will get shaky to test your strength and faith. just strive to what you believe and trust whats on your heart

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  4. True the only enemy we have is none other than ourselves and If I may quote some words.

    "This only the way of Life we know, to live our life we don't know, we must have the courage to go out."
    - Fearless

    If that is the way, you know that will help you to be a better person then do it. But of course that never ends there, "See all in it's entirety" don't just stop there :)

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  5. we all have our struggles... and we have to admit that changes don't happen overnight. Our God is a faithful God who is patient with us, and who IS always with us especially in our greatest struggles. Do remember that that our past doesn't determine our future, more so, with God being with us.
    "For it is by faith that we have been saved, no through good works, so that no one can boast."

    God bless you on your path Brother.

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  6. basta whatever you do , put God first. :)

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  7. Our Lord Jesus gives to souls of prayer a deeper understanding oh Himself. He never deceives them :)

    aja sa iyong 40-day fast! hehe~

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  8. Wro na.. 40day fasting. Kaya nyo yan, Gasdude.. Mahirap, pero hindi imposible. :)

    At sa mga struggles, kaya din yan.. Pray, do what's right and never lose faith. Everything will just fall into place. Amen.

    Goodluck po. God bless.

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  9. good luck!

    at last you realized the food for your soul....

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  10. God bless you Kuya GasDude. You're in my prayers. :D

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  11. It is procrastination that is our greatest foe, not ourselves.

    He said that we must pray for each other. We need prayers in every day of our lives to strengthen our mortality. Prayers too, are therapy for the mind. We speak to someone of our longings and desires that we cannot confide in anyone.

    I'll pray for you Brother!

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  12. i know u can make it... :D
    basta pray lang :D

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  13. As they say: "The heart of revolution is the revolution of the heart."

    But, in moments of darkness, doubts and wicked thoughts, just break away. You need to find a place where you can contemplate, meditate,and reflect. A place where you can freely converse with God in your own ways, be it in shouting, sobbing, crying out loud. He will listen in whatever form you may decide to take. Just allow Him to enter in. And after doing that, I'll guarantee you, you'll be spiritually refreshed.

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