WARNING: This is another "What's wrong with me?" post. I am also writing this in full English as I found out this morning that one of the pastors in our church reads my blog. He's Samoan, but Filipino by heart. (Hi Pastor Neli!)
So... WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!
I was in good spirits on the way to church this morning. I woke up late though, so I took the cab... again. I was telling myself, "I cannot afford to be late for church... again!"
Unfortunately, I still arrived 10 minutes late despite opting for the faster transportation. Darn! I missed some part of the worship service! It's OK, I was telling myself. I was still feeling joyful to be in church and excited on what God's about to reveal to me.
Then our pastor started to talk about RACES. Not the I-am-Filipino-You-are-Chinese kind of race, but the one that usually involves running and competition. He then instructed us to close our eyes, and asked us, "What are you racing for?"
Several thoughts started to fill my head. I began to ask myself, "Yeah, what am I REALLY racing for?"
My first answer in mind was God. Then I started to doubt, and question myself, "Oh really now?! If I'm racing for God, how come I still do not fully obey & follow all His commandments?"
All my ‘sins’ these past days started to flash back at me. My pride & arrogance. My impure thoughts. My negative habits. My selfish actions. Oh shoot! The moment those dominated my mind, I started to tear up & sob like a baby! And I couldn't control myself!
I felt so defeated! :(
I admit, I've been struggling lately.
Problems at work. Bad habits that are hard to break. Difficulties in focusing as I get easily distracted, among others.
Am I being attacked by external forces? The idea actually came to me, with my recent baptism, newfound faith, and all...
Or is it just me? Isn’t it that our biggest enemy is ourselves?
Last week inside my room while preparing myself for work, out of nowhere I saw this dusty manual on...
I asked God, "Are you trying to tell me something?"
So next month, I will embark myself on a spiritual journey and start a 40-day fasting.
Please include me in your prayers.